Dear Anarchist Sons of Mine (age 3 and 6 respectively),
Where to start? Your attention spans are short, so I’ll begin by saying the important: I’ll love you in and out, through and through till the day I die. This, however, is because my love isn’t a book or a toy or a paper…that you can shred and destroy like a pack of vindictive lions.
I don’t actually love things being destroyed. (Surprise!) So let’s just cover a few examples of situations I don’t like, shall we?
Do you remember when we made that “fruits of the Spirit” tree for our wall? You know…the one with fruits of “love”, “joy”, “peace”. I suspect you remember because you stripped that tree, probably while I was in the bathroom. And I don’t really take it personally, but I do find it more than coincidental that the fruits you unceremoniously ripped off were “joy” and “gentleness”. Could we not rip all things paper…including books and cards? Ahem. Moving on.
Let’s talk broken toys and Christmas presents. I’m not even so surprised that you break them…but don’t have the decency in your little hearts to wait till the New Year at least? By the way, you don’t need to turn your whoopie cushion into a “frisbee”…if you want a frisbee we can get you something made surprisingly exactly for that purpose.
Then there’s the messes and so many smells. You know who you are. I mean, it should be enough for you that the bathroom is perpetually vaguely scented of urine and the massive amounts of soap you use. (One squirt, really…it’s quite effective.) But on top of that, I’m finding gifts of partially processed foods:
…writing on the wall and table (as though we don’t buy you reams of paper):
…and whatever paint/glitter love child this is:
Also…I’m not sure if this is a boundary line or security measure, but in either case there’s a more effective and less gluey method here…I’m 98% positive.
Then there’s a few simple…let’s call them “etiquette” matters. For one, your diaper isn’t an appropriate holster for your toy gun.
Two, thought I appreciate your budding artistic skills, please save your anatomically awkward “naked sunburnt man” pictures for home and not for your teacher at school. Please. For the love.
Third: Sweet boy, I know that you are just showing me the two fingers that are particularly messy, but the world simply won’t understand. Let’s work on getting non-middle fingers messy next time.
Finally, I love your building and creativity. You guys amaze me with those brains. But you and I both know that behind those brilliant designs and charming smiles are two boys with no intentions of cleaning up anything. Except for those random moments when you do clean and I’m tempted to take you to the ER for brain scans.
So…I hope this letter has been informative and convincing. Next time remind me to talk to you about 101 ways to NOT torture your sister.
With Greatest Love,
You Worn-out Mom