Once you truly understand your own story and why you want to pursue adoption, you will have a clearer sense of what TYPE of adoption makes sense for you.
There are two basic categories of adoption*, with many subsets: DOMESTIC ADOPTION and INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION. (*A third type of adoption is Embryo Adoption, which I’m hoping to have a friend share more about in a future post. Check out the link if you’re dying to know more now!)
- Domestic adoption is more of what I’m covering here as it can include any adoption from the US, including private adoption, family member adoption, adoption through foster care system, etc.
- International adoption is any adoption of a child not born in the United States. (Note: I do have many friends who adopted internationally, including one woman’s story I’ll be sharing throughout this month’s blogs. If you have specific questions for them I’d be happy to pass those along to my friends!)
**Since I’m not experienced in all the adoption areas, I encourage you to check out this website for a more comprehensive look at each type of adoption to see what might be a good fit for you.
As you explore adoption options that might work for your family, I’d like to remind you of a couple things to keep you from getting paralyzed in fear or inaction:
- Every adoption type has it’s own unique risks and blessings. I think most of us want to find the quickest and least painful way to adopt a child. We think we can minimize our risk by choosing the “perfect path”. (BTW, if you find that path please let me know because I’m still looking!) But nothing in life worth doing is risk-free (from purchasing a home to getting married, from pursuing a degree to writing a book). As I told someone recently, if you have a passion to adopt or a passion for orphans then there’s a greater risk to your soul in NOT stepping out than in stepping out. Don’t choose not to adopt simply because you’re afraid of choosing the “wrong path”.
- There isn’t a “right” way to adopt and all adoptable children are equally worthy of adoption. Often we get so amped to share our stories of adoption that we can make it sound like our way is the best or only way to adopt. We might come off at times like the only right way to adopt would be through foster care, or from Ethiopia, or ___________ (fill in your story). There’s not some chart somewhere that graphs which children are more worthy of adoption than others- all children are worthy and your path will be unique. Whether you adopt a healthy five year old from the foster-care system, a one year old with down-syndrome from China, an infant through private adoption, (or any other variation), you shouldn’t feel guilt because you think someone else’s story was “truly sacrificial” or more important. Like I said, let other people’s stories inspire you and stretch your mind to embrace a story you might not have considered, but please let’s drop the “should” because they really don’t help anyone!
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d love to share a few personal starter stories of friends who have adopted. You’ll hear more of their answers through more blog posts. To protect privacy, I’m giving made-up names for these friends and their children, but most are happy to talk more if you’re interested in following up with more questions. I also give one caution: each story represents someone’s unique experience. Since adoption agencies and regulations shift from year to year (eve in the three years since we adopted!) I advise you not to use these stories as guides not rules. I tried to provide links to any agencies listed, even if the experience was negative, because it’s possible that agency or group that didn’t work for someone else would work for you or has updated to become more user friendly. With that said, let’s get started!
- She adopted two children internationally.
“We were adopting in prehistoric times- late 1980’s. We were told the State/DCF will not provide any sort of adoptions [Carrye’s note: this is no longer true!] so we checked out other options. Catholic Family Services– we would have an 11 year wait as neither of us was catholic. Thursday’s Child- were possessive of the adopted child pose placement- ridiculous rules. My sister’s neighbor adopted from Korea thru FCA and had a great experience. We were basically self-educated on adoption; it was difficult to find agencies to work with. We were limited in which country to adopt from due to cost and time off work for various residency requirements (prior to FMLA) and due to family extreme prejudice, what “kind” of baby would be accepted.”
- What organization she used: Straight placement through Family and Chidlren’s Aid of Norwalk. They currently have an office in West Hartford and name changed to just Family and Children’s Aid.
- How she raised funds: “We used up any savings we had. Made two payments prior to placement and third on delivery. We were on our own.” [Carrye’s note: the landscape of adoption fundraising has changed significantly- more details on that to come!]
- Her suggestion for people just starting out: “Keep a binder with a list of organizations you are looking at. Try to keep a note on each place- who you contacted, how did you feel about pre/post placement requirements (rate 1-5), how comfortable were you while discussing (rate 1-5), how about the financial requirements + the inevitable incidentals that come up (rate 1-5). Be sure to list anything that feels wrong- requirements, timeline, $$$, etc. Just a few word, not the kitchen sink.” 🙂
- She adopted through DCF Foster-to-Adopt program in CT.
“We considered both private and DCF, but a few factors that influenced our decision were cost, waiting time, and understanding the need for safe and loving homes in the foster care system.”
- What organization she used: Waterford Country School
- How she raised funds: “Not Applicable- the state provides all the funding for DCF adoptions through foster care”
- Her suggestion for people just starting out: “We were fortunate enough to have friends go through the process before us so we had a good understanding of how it worked. We took it one step at a time, and prayed and talked about it as a couple a lot.”
- She adopted an infant through Private Adoption in the US.
“We decided on private adoption because we knew we wanted a newborn and a child that wasn’t foster to adopt where we had the chance that the baby might be taken away from us.”
- What organization/agency she used: “Waterford Country School did our home study and pre and post placement visits. Our adoption agency was American Adoptions.”
- How she raised funds: “At one point we did a small fundraiser but we mainly had help from our families.”
- Her suggestion for people just starting out: “I would want them to know that it can be a long process. That at times you will feel all you are doing is paperwork and paperwork that tells all the small details about your life. The waiting can be hard and seems like it can take forever but in the long run the wait is totally worth it.”
- She adopted through the DCF foster-to-adopt program in CT.
- What organization/agency she used: “…[we] used a private agency through Waterford Country Schools. It was grant funded to use WCS. We had heard that a few families from our church had gone this route and had a great experience. We knew we would be getting the same social worker who came highly recommended.”
- Her suggestion for people just starting out: “Go sit in some information sessions and just get things started. It seems overwhelming but once you get the ball rolling there are people around to hold your hand through the process and make it very doable. We were blessed to be supported with amazing social workers.”
Home Study: This is essentially the review of your home and paperwork (performed by a social worker) of your family background/situation to make sure your home is safe and your family is able to care for a new child. At first I viewed this as a test that I was afraid to fail, but it’s better to view it as preparation for you and your social worker. If your home has minor issues (peeling paint, needs updated child safety locks, etc) your social worker doesn’t “fail” you…they tell you the areas you need to fix to bring your home up to their standards. Then you continue your process! It also gives the social worker a chance to get to know who you are uniquely as a family. This information helps future social workers or, in the case of private adoption, birthparents who are looking to understand what kind of family they’d like to place their child in.
Social Worker: An adoptive social worker is a licensed professional who helps families/children in various steps of adoption. They can work for agencies or the government. We had one social worker (primarily for us as parents) that did our home study and called us to tell us about potential children we were matched with; another we only knew briefly as she was in charge of actually finding placements for the children that came into DCF care; yet another social worker (technically our son’s social worker) visited us regularly while we were fostering our son and gave us updates on paperwork and where the State was in our adoption process. The social worker who did our home study also checked in on us periodically while we waited for a placement, went to the hospital with us to help us pick up our baby, and checked in on us afterwards as part of post-placement services. Our two long-term social workers became friends to us, and were both present at our son’s adoption in court!
This has been a lot of information to throw at you at once, but I hope that it’s been helpful! Tune in next time to learn about Open/Closed adoptions and my personal story for those that are afraid to know their adoptive child’s birthparents. I’m looking forward to continuing the conversation!